Support is available for LGBTIQA+ people experiencing family violence. 

This website provides information and links to different services that can help. 

If you are in immediate danger, call 000. 

For 24/7 support, contact 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or Safe Steps on 1800 015 188.

Understanding Family Violence

It can be hard to talk about family violence in LGBTIQA+ communities but if we want to end family violence we have to break the silence.

Everyone deserves to be safe, always. 

It can sometimes be hard to identify abuse, as it can take many forms and sometimes ones that are not so obvious. 

Types of violence:

Family violence includes a range of harmful behaviours and occurs when someone acts in ways that hurts or scares their partner or other family members, including chosen family or carers. Family violence is not just an action - it also includes the threat of doing the action. Violence is a choice and a pattern of behaviours that aim to control and dominate someone else. These behaviours include, but are not limited to:

• physical abuse (e.g. hitting, slapping, punching)
• sexual abuse (e.g. unwanted touching or kissing, being forced to watch or participate in pornography, rape)
• stalking or harassing (including online)
• financial abuse including withholding or controlling money
• isolating someone from friends or family
• threats or acts of harming pets
• emotional or psychological abuse
• spiritual and cultural abuse including racist comments 
• using systems against someone (i.e., threatening or having someone deported, threatening or taking out an IVO against the person who is the victim/survivor, threatening or reporting someone to government departments, such as Centrelink)
• threats to harm or kill, including threats to self-harm
• tracking someone's phone, always calling to find out where someone is or constantly sending disruptive messages

There are some forms of violence that are unique to some LGBTIQA+ relationships:

• threatening to out a person to family, friends, co-workers, or their community – this may include HIV status, gender, intersex status or sexuality
• using that status as a way to hurt, harm or control
• controlling or destroying medications or blocking someone from accessing medical treatment
• pressuring a person to conform to particular “norms” of sex or gender
• invalidating someone's gender or sexual orientation

Accessing the right support

Support is available for LGBTIQ+ people experiencing family violence.

If you feel like something is wrong in your relationship, or if you feel confused or scared, there are people you can talk to. If you are unsure, they can help you work through whether what you’re experiencing is family violence.

Barriers to seeking support

When most people talk about family violence however, they are talking about men’s violence against women and children. This can make it difficult for LGBTIQ+ people to see their own experience as family violence.

Some other reasons that LGBTIQA+ people might hesitate to reach out include:

• Fear they won’t be believed, or a fear of being blamed for the abuse
• Fear of involving police (whether for yourself, your partner or community)
• Fear of discrimination or lack of understanding from services
• Fear that no services exist to help you stop using violence or that you will be shunned
• Shame about what has happened to you, or of what you are doing to others

These fears are real, but we still encourage you to reach out, and to know that there are different options available to you. You have a right to safety and to support.

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What to expect when you contact a service

Service providers are specially trained and there to help you.

When you contact a family violence service, the person you talk to will have training and experience in helping people in situations very similar to yours. You should be able to expect:

• to be listened to
• to be supported
• to be believed
• to feel safe
• to have information provided to you clearly and in a way you can understand
• to have your wishes and choices respected

You don’t need all the answers before getting in touch.

Sometimes we just have a feeling that things aren’t quite right but we aren’t sure. That’s okay. You can contact a family violence service to talk through what you are experiencing or how you are behaving, and they can support you to identify or name violence or abuse.

You can also talk with someone if you have concerns about people you are close to who you think might be experiencing or using family violence.

Services have different types of support available.

Depending on your situation, you may be offered:

• emergency accommodation (if you are currently very unsafe)
• outreach support
• counselling
• financial assistance
• behaviour change programs (if you are using violence in your relationships)
• referral to other legal, health or wellbeing services

Sometimes, if you are not at immediate risk, there might be a wait for some services, such as counselling or behaviour change programs. In this case you can expect services to keep in touch with you and check in with you about your safety and other needs while you wait.

There are different types of services

Many family violence services provide support to people regardless of whether they are LGBTIQA+ identified or not. These mainstream family violence services have increasingly moved towards providing more LGBTIQA+ inclusive supports – and are indeed required to provide this.

Other services, like Rainbow Door or Thorne Harbour Health, are specifically for LGBTIQA+ people. At these services, you can expect that workers will:

• be qualified community members themselves or strong allies
• be comfortable with and have knowledge of the wide range of identities and communities that make up rainbow families and relationships
• have an understanding of the impacts that sex, gender and sexuality-related stigma and discrimination can have on your life.

LGBTIQA+ people have different preferences around accessing mainstream or specific services, and either is okay. If a family violence service isn’t right for you for any reason, you can ask to be referred to somewhere that is.

What if I do not receive supportive treatment?

All family violence services are required to provide accessible and equitable services for everybody. If you reach out to any service and do not receive inclusive treatment, this is a failure of duty on their part.

If a family violence service has excluded you or discriminated against you, there is support available and actions you can take. When you feel safe enough to do so, you can:

• make an official complaint directly to the organisation that failed to deliver a safe and inclusive service to you,
• ask the organisation supporting to you to record and/or make an official complaint on your behalf to the organisation and/or governing body (DFFH) (this may not always be possible) or,
• make a complaint directly to the governing body Family Safety Victoria about the failure in service you received. You can either call 1300 884 706 to make your complaint or follow the instructions in this document. 

Support for friends and family

If you are worried that someone you know or care about may be experiencing family violence, there are things that you can do to help.

You can find a private moment to share what you have noticed, let them know you care, and ask them if they are ok. Take the time to listen without blame or judgement, reassure them that any violence or abuse is not their fault and that everyone deserves to feel safe in relationships. You can also provide them with information about family violence services and encourage them to make contact with a support service if they would like to explore their options.

Even though it might not make sense to you and can be hard to witness, it’s important that you don’t pressure the person to leave the relationship, blame them for staying, or give up on them if they return after leaving. The best thing you can do to support someone experiencing family violence is trust that they know what is best for their own safety and be there if amd when they need you.

Supporting someone who is experiencing or using family violence can be very stressful. It is important that you take care of yourself first so you can help the person you know or care about. If you are uncertain about what to do, or feel out of your depth, you can contact a family violence telephone counselling and information service like 1800 Respect, Safe Steps or Rainbow Door for support and advice.

Safe Always is part of a movement to change our society so that family violence is a thing of the past. We all have a role to play, no matter how big or small, by supporting respectful relationships and challenging gender inequality. We know that this is how we will change things.

Safety planning

A safety plan is a plan you can put in place when you sense that violence is escalating to help keep you safe. It’s something you can use whether you are staying in a relationship or deciding to leave.

You are never responsible for other people’s violence or abuse. However, chances are that if you are living with violence, you are already taking some actions to help keep yourself safe.

If you feel unsafe:

• Call 000 in an emergency. It is helpful to make sure you have your phone on you and always charged if you need to call for help quickly.

If you have an iPhone, you can set up and activate the Emergency SOS Call function in your settings.

If you have an Android, you can set up SOS Messages in your phone settings.

• Contact your trusted safe people that you need help, by having a code word or signal that you use with them. This will let them know to call 000 for you or enact your safety plan.
  
  
• If you need support during the daytime (9am-5pm), contact your local The Orange Door service. They are a family violence state wide service.  
  
  
• If you are needing help in a crisis and are very unsafe, you can call the 24/7 state wide service Safe Steps anytime on 1800 015 188 or use the live webchat function on their website (available Monday - Friday 9am – midnight).
  
  
• It is useful to know the location of your closest 24hr police station or closest police station, hospital or safe public place, if you need to leave quickly and seek help.
  
  
• It is useful to have a ‘Go Bag’ for emergencies and/or if you need to leave quickly. You will want to include originals (or copies) of important documents, spare money, medication/scripts or other items that are important to you such as baby formula, pet food etc.
  
  
• It is useful to be aware of all the safe exits out of the area where you are and, avoid getting trapped or entering areas that have items that can be used against you such as kitchens, bathrooms etc.
  
  
• It is always a good idea to turn off location settings on any devices that you have on you or consider leaving these devices behind if the person using violence has access to them, for example if they know your Netflix, Email, Uber etc passwords or banking codes. If you are unable to leave the items behind, do not use the items until you can get support or advice to make the items safer to use. For example, do not use your phone or other electronic devices (even on Wifi) or do not use a bank card for transaction or withdrawals until you are certain only you can view and access the account.

You can find more information on safety planning on these websites:

Safe Steps

1800 RESPECT

Say It Out Loud

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Children and young people

Children and young people also experience family violence. Sometimes they may be the direct targets of violence and abuse, including physical violence, sexual, financial or emotional abuse, or threatening behaviour. Exposing a child to violence or causing them to witness violence against another family member is also a form of family violence.

A young person who is being coerced, controlled or abused due to their sex, gender expression or sexuality within the family is also experiencing family violence.

Even if the violence and abuse is not specifically directed at them, children and young people will be negatively impacted if they are living with family violence. Even if adults are doing their best to hide the violence, or protect their children from violence, children usually know that something is going on and will be experiencing some level of distress.

If you are a young person experiencing family violence yourself or worried about other people you know experiencing family violence you can contact any of the services listed on this site as well as Kids Helpline, any time, on 1800 55 1800.

The whole community has a role to play in keeping children and young people safe.

If you are using violence

It can be hard to acknowledge that your behaviour is harming those you love but you can get help.

Do you find yourself…

• Always acting like the ‘boss’?
• Controlling your partner’s decisions?
• Blaming your partner or other factors for making you angry?
• Finding it hard to express your feelings and then exploding?
• Hurting your partner, friend or family physically or emotionally?
• Feeling anxious or confused about your behaviour?
• Finding yourself constantly apologising for your behaviour?

Then you might be using relationship violence. START may help.

START is a group where you, as a gay, bisexual or queer man (inclusive of cis, trans and gender diverse identities), can learn about breaking patterns of violent, abusive or controlling behaviours. The group offers a safe environment where you can explore issues with power and control in your relationships. You can also raise your awareness of the effects your behaviours have on others and yourself.

START aims to provide information and support so you are able to challenge yourself to take more responsibility for your behaviours. Together we work to build your confidence and self-control as well as help you deal with conflict and difficult emotions — whether in your relationships or other parts of your life without the use of abusive or controlling behaviours.

To get help, Call Thorne Harbour Health on (03) 9865 6700. Ask to speak with the duty worker or the START team.